Existential Friday

As you probably already know I'm a fairly dug in Agnostic...but that doesn't mean I have never investigated the Christian faith and find interpretations of the bible intellectually stimulating. I was raised Mormon after all and went to early morning seminary before school everyday for all of my high school years. I've had lots of exposure to Christianity, and can say that I think that the true forms of Christianity, even Islam, are rooted in good principles and ideas. I think it is man (or woman..ahemm Bible...heh) that tends to go overboard and warp some of the very principles they are charged with upholding. I'm a very empirical type mind and can't honestly say for myself with any kind of conviction that there is or is not a God and/or afterlife. As far as what I can verify in the world around me, both could be a possibility. Where I can see how the unknown becomes a fear in many people, I try to embrace it and rejoice in it. I've often thought, even if there isn't an afterlife, does that really detract from the beauty of life? While we live we send ripples throughout the world that we can never fully comprehend. And we live on one tiny planet among possibly billions of them. I have a hard time thinking that humanity is the only form of life in the universe, and I also have a hard time accepting that we are the "pinnacle" of evolution ..either in this universe or on this planet even. I think as a species we are often very arrogant in believing that we know how best to use this planet (obviously we are destroying it). If we can't figure out how to live in harmony on our own planet, and with our own species...how are we more intelligent than any other organism on this planet that lives in balance. Sadly, I often times think WE are animals...

Anyways, I ramble a bit I realize and go off topic. That was more of a stream of thought thing. A path my mind seemingly takes...

Different

I've had this conversation recently, but wanted to get some of it down on "paper." Lately I have been a little troubled by peoples reactions to differences of opinions and/or beliefs. I've been looking at my own self and questioning my own reactions as well. Of particular note is that Maine has shot down gay marriage legislature today. It did not fail by a large % either, 53 to 47, I believe. But regardless, over HALF of the state does not want gays to be able to marry. I look into my own self and I think of that as just absolutely wrong. I feel that I see it for what it is, keeping a minority group of our society from having rights that the majority does. I look at the issue, and from its very root, it is what it is. We are basically denying the ability of one group of people to do something another group can. Seems pretty logically sound to me when viewed in this manner. Is my logic wrong? That question is what I keep running through my head. I question why I have such a strong and polarizing BELIEF in something myself. One problem I see with such a zealous belief in anything is that it tends to break down any kind of rational argument and discussion towards to manner. I hopefully don't want to be guilty of the same line of thought that I protest.

NOW comes the bag of worms. I try to think about what kind of people would vote against such an act, and why they would do so. Surely these people cannot be "bad" people. I can't really consider half of Maine just a bunch of assholes, right? Yet something inside me still feels somewhat angry, annoyed, and disappointed at the inability of my fellow countrymen/women to see an issue of civil injustice when it is right in front of them to think through. Several outcomes as to why people would do such a thing have crossed my minds.

1. They just haven't thought it through (ignorance or indifference)
2. They have thought it through and reached the conclusion to the opposite through some logic that makes sense to them.
3. They just go along with what is expected of them or taught to them without questioning.

I start to look inwards at myself, after asking these questions. I wonder what kind of major public issues are out there that I am either not education on at all, or have the wrong conceptions about. I think about some of the daily actions of my life that violate such rights in others, not directly, but by my support. I think I'm being too serious all the time. I think I'm not being serious enough. I think my head might just explode from the complications of it all.

Sometimes, at the end of such thoughts, as now, I feel like just giving up. This whole pursuit of "truth" and "meaning" sometimes seems so pointless. I never seem to run into an argument that can't just as easily have some kind of truth towards the opposite. If morality is supposed to connect me with some kind of truth...

I'm very confused.

Hiking

Since last fall, Niki and I have been avid hikers. We started out smaller trails, some paved ones even at Powder Valley. Since then we've been looking for longer and longer trails. Highly recommend everyone own a CamelBak. Get only a CamelBak brand as the others just are not made the way a CamelBak is. Just this summer I finally got a pair of shoes better designed to do some hiking and I must say that is also a huge help. Some of our favorite spots are Rockwoods, Cuivre River, Young Preserve, and of course the family ranch. It really helps me to forget that I spend so much time in the city with its terrible smells and pollution and commotion. Crisp air, the smell of leaves, life and death, all extremely important to my peace of mind of late. We really try to get out about every weekend at this point, if we don't have anything else going on. I figure for that 1/7 of the week I'm actually getting to enjoy the things in life that living the other 6/7 of it is helping to destroy. It seems very difficult to just leave behind the parts of my life that I know, and I think many people do, are really unsustainable and destructive for ourselves and the rest of the world. What do I have to give up, what haven't I that I could? Is it really fair for me to have an XBOX when there are entire countries that probably have only a handful? Because I was born here...could have been anywhere else, but it was here. I guess I would be happy about that if I didn't know that having the things I have and living the way I do hurts someone else. Hard to deal with sometimes and somedays...

Monday,
Back to Work.

Too Much Rain

It has been raining and cold and miserable for about 4 straight days now. I'm not sure I could live in a climate where this is the norm. Perhaps everyone kind of settles into it, but I myself feel very "down". The past few days I could say that I have even been a bit more prone to anger than usual even. Part of my mood probably hinges on the changing of the season as well. I always appreciate the beauty of the change to fall and winter, but it is bittersweet. I see the wonder of cycles of life and how it all magically works together for a purpose. Somehow my own body and mind seem to take the cues of winter a bit too seriously. Sometimes of course I wonder if I have made the situation so real for myself by thinking and dwelling on it too much. Your mind makes it real. Just trying to keep my mind as positive as possible and distract it when necessary. On an absolutely unrelated note, I saw Zombie Land last night and that helped to cheer me up. It was straightforward in nature, it was what it was. It was funny. Awkward days at work of late. A change would be nice.

Rantings of the Fall

Just starting to feel the need to document my life a bit more now. I know I've written many pages in the past that have been lost. Perhaps my thoughts will stay here. I tend to over think a lot though. Knowing what I know about how much energy is required to keep data centers running, the problems that energy production will pose for the future, and the inevitable resource conflicts to come in the not so distant future. The wife and I always have an interesting time discussing the future. She tends to think positively and hope that things will work out right. My issue is not necessarily that I am incapable of hope or faith, but that I am always compelled to look at the current state of things, the trends, and the data pointing to the future. It is a little depressing what we all are doing to the world we live in. I was on a 3+ hour drive the other day and thought about the concept of "intelligent" life. I almost laughed out loud because of the inherent irony of that statement as it pertains to human life. If we, of all the species on the planet, are so damned intelligent then why are we the only ones refusing to live on the planet in a harmonious balance with the rest of the world. That realization almost makes humanity seem like a cruel joke. We have the ability to reason and think but can't recognize some of the most basic truths that animals, with fractions of the brain capacity we enjoy, innately know. It all stems from a very beautiful and tragic dilemma. Why not? I was driving 3+ hours to do some work for my employers and also visit my family. Why do I live so far away from my parents? Why do I live so far from work? How far do the things I consider necessary to live travel to reach me? We keep expanding and "improving" but why? What was so wrong with the world before the car? We always think to ourselves, we can so we may as well. But sadly we cannot think ahead and see the consequences. Anyways, wasting "company time" ..back to work.

/rant off